Dating in the time of Covid

COVID as we all know is not a spectator sport, we all have skin in the game. If life was a night out, then the music stopped suddenly,  the lights came up, and our options suddenly vanished. It became apparent that our status, be it married, single, kids, no kids, our job type, was brought suddenly to the fore, and we were given ample distraction-free time to ponder how we got here. Right now, one the more visible casualties of COVID is a night out. And it is the single among us who feel this loss most acutely. I suspect I am not the only one pining for a time when I could walk into a bar or nightclub, loosen up with a few drinks and let whatever happens happen. Although internet dating has been around along time, it always lacked the spontaneity of meeting somebody in bar. Anyone who has spent hours swiping faces will come away with an empty feeling with the sterility of it all. Romantic it is not.  And now it’s all we have. The bars positively discourage mixing and getting close to people and the nightclubs and interiors, in general, are now health hazards.

The internet date is a leap of faith at the best of times, armed only with some carefully chosen snaps from god knows when, and small talk via text, you must go meet this person, and see how it goes. Fast forward an hour your sitting across from someone who is about as sexy as a parking ticket, trying to drink until she’s shes good looking. You can’t even play it cool because you are in a painstakingly created scenario, initiated on the sofa during the week. God made a wise choice when he put women in charge of sex, but he also endowed men with a high pain threshold when it came to chasing it. It would be true to say in most cases that, if that if a woman agrees to sleep with you, without money changing hands , then she likes you. The opposite is not the case, however. And women keep this fact front and center in their thinking when dealing with men. Putting out and being blanked is to be avoided at all costs.

The addition of booze into proceedings is crucial from here on in and it is no surprise that it has been civilizations drug of choice for the past ten thousand years. It is when you hear the words, “I don’t like to be drunk, I’ll just have one”, that you know you are now trapped in a death spiral only the most devoted womanizer could escape. You sit back take a drink of your now almost empty pint and think of the goddesses of the past, those fun sexy, crazy girls, who could drink like a sailor, and were spectacular in bed, all in a time before Covid. Then your back in the room,  looking blankly across the table at this buzz vacuum sucking the last possible of hope of getting laid out of your life.

If the death of flux, and chance and uncertainty is to be the future then this puts a huge dent in the conception of a night out and courtship. My advice to men would be to establish some ground rules before meeting anyone. Mine are as are follows, I like drinking so you better too, I want to meet in a pub, and no I do not want to go a walk in a park or up a mountain, a pub! so I can get so we can get drunk as quickly as possible. I am also pro drugs and am generally up for anything. I want to meet my female equivalent, preferably a few years younger.

Once we have established common ground in a post-sexual relationship.
I am fully open to walks in the country, shopping and other such shite, but until then, treat me and other men would some respect and don’t put us in positions where we have to pretend to be interested in the trees and birds in a park near your gaff. The despair comes in waves, I hope this finds you all well. To Victory!

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