A Muppet Manifesto

We are told and we tell ourselves, believe in yourself! We are told to keep going. We are told to be positive. We are told these things because this well-meaning advice is almost impossible to argue with. We are also told this because people really don’t want to listen to your bollix, and “talking about it” has an expiry date.

It drains the listener and reminds them that we are just a spec of dust in a vast meaningless universe, wondering whats for dinner, and when can I next have sex again. But these principles place a rational frame-work upon creatures of emotion, they are timeless coping mechanisms. The Daddy of the three is believe in yourself! It is the force behind the staying power it will take to be hardworking and positive. A lack of belief in yourself leads easily to despondency which in turn takes away your optimism which eats into motivation….and then your back on the sofa suffering and ruminating over past mistakes.

Happiness is a choice we are told, again this is almost impossible to argue with, the logic is sound, you choose how you react to situations, in most cases you can really create your own reality just with a sunny disposition. People are drawn to such people because they seem to make life more fun and manageable.

Popularity, I have observed, is based not on people liking you, it is based on people wanting to be like by you. You become a high-status individual, people think this guy is cool, and he likes me, that increases my self-worth and my status in the group. The seriously charismatic will have this effect on many people, and often times it’s based on little more than insincere, transitory charm. And yet we fall for it every time because why belief in myself? when I can have this person believe in me, this person who seems to have it figured out. This is where the charismatic now enter the realm of persuaders with people willing to do their bidding to please them. There is a spectrum of charismatic people of course, from some genuinely nice people all the way up to Adolf Hitler.

What the popularity dynamic and charisma illustrates is just how hard it really is to believe in yourself, to really love and accept yourself. And those with a deep sense of themselves are very lucky, in the same way, that someone is lucky to be born with good looks. This, of course, is an uncontroversial statement, but to say someone is lucky to be born with certain character traits or lack of them is problematic to some people. Learned behavior is certainly a factor, but as I get older I am coming to the more hopeless conclusion in that so much of yourself operates outside your control, including your judgment which radically impacts your life.

To be very smart, to have great judgment and keep things simple often go hand in hand. Men and women of action are often very binary in their thinking, they deal in the currency of cause and effect, binary action and how reality behaves. Not the why, but the how. They believe in themselves for good reason, reason, being the operative word here.

Believe in one’s self is surely something that requires evidence.?
Where does any belief come from if not evidence? and what if all the evidence tells me that I am far from capable, and despite, years of getting back on the horse, defeat after defeat a clear dull pain is forming in the pit of my soul where belief goes to die. Yes there is always hard work, but successful people don’t just work hard, they make good decisions, they make them, see the result of their good decisions, and now have evidence that they can use to fuel their self-belief. Making bad decisions, over and over again, of course, leads to the opposite, and this is over time extremely damaging as it adds to a large pain body for the relentless conciseness to ruminate over.

And what is a man but the sum of his choices? It is no coincidence that women find confident men attractive, this is the pure survival instinct for her and her children. A capable man, he works hard, but above all he makes the right choices, he sacrifices when he needs to, he makes time for relationships when he needs to, the more success he feels in his life, the happier he becomes, the happier he becomes the more success comes to greet him, after all so much of life is based on relationships both personal and professional. Who wants to hire, date or socialize with a person who lurches from one disaster to the next and is a constant cycle of collapse and recovery. Nobody does. And this is not lost on the suffering idiot, which in turn adds a few more bricks onto the load they are carrying around. This is not a life worth living. Carrying around past defeats, an utterly fragile ego summoning the fake courage to face another challenge until it is hauled back by the past under the stress of its first inspection.

A Human mind needs two things above all, purpose and to be needed and valued. Self-esteem is almost entirely based on this. Now to the outsider who is drifting looking for purpose, but working with the genetics and upbringing they received, and who has with all the seriousness they could muster, made decisions based on the reality they understand to be true, and were wrong, over and over again. And there were inarguably wrong, they felt every bit of it, evidence added to evidence that after careful consideration on numerous occasions you surmised that 2+2=5, final answer. Eureka! Enlightenment! you are a muppet.

This is a painfull moment, to fully embrace that the data doesn’t lie, despite how much your every optimistic unconscious will spur you on there is an inescapable elephant in the room. Your very core judgments are incompatible with you having a stable life.
Your truth, is continuously being exposed to your opinion and your opinion is wrong. Devastating as this is, your mind will spur you on to adapt and change, and you will, but can you change the very core of yourself? overtime you may find you can’t and when this process goes through several cycles of rising and defeat, that’s when the darkness sets in. You can delude yourself or you can face some harsh truths.

You were born this way, and no amount of environmental teaching has been able to change this. Own it, and avoid any situations where you will need use your muppet brain. Find somebody who isn’t a muppet and get their advice. Suck in the pain that pride will stab you with, fuck pride! all of those people who whispered the word muppet behind your back over the years, they are not all wrong. They may be pricks, but they are not wrong. Own it you’re a muppet. Now, what are you going to do? Find something somebody will pay you for, do it, do it well and that will probably be enough. Belief in yourself? no you’re a muppet, you’re here because your a muppet, don’t believe in yourself do what the successful guy is doing, copy him, he has a far better operating system.

This will require a complete departure from your beautiful self,
But God made you this way and you’re great! tell that to the ugly people at the disco. Nature is cruel, and you are endowed with what you were born with, and most of it is unchangeable, yes you can tweak at the edges, learn new skills, but judgment comes from within, and if the inner veers toward the muppet, then do not listen to that muppet. That is the same muppet who will whisper poison in your ear when your lying in bed prostrate after your latest defeat. Obviously, some muppets are bigger than others, to be born a big muppet is a tough life, you are the gay al beano in the black village, getting bullied and spat on. People get kinder when your older but you will always be a muppet. One clause god has placed into the muppet conciseness is perhaps a degree of kindness. Most of the time as you words stream out of your muppet hole and your muppet deeds manifest themselves in whatever theater you will temporarily be tolerated in. In the midst of you being fully present in your own muppet operating system, you will, of course, be oblivious to your own muppetry. Just as a fish doesn’t know what water is, a muppet doesn’t understand reality, and by reality I mean the realities of reality like being able to look after yourself. This is an alpha muppet, a stage 5, with the ability to completely fuck their own lives, and do it sober.

Ask yourself am I a Cat 5 Muppet? or am I a functioning muppet, don’t worry there are many functioning muppets, but it is their ability to manage and curtail their muppet instincts that presents a central paradox, when you know you are a muppet do you cease to be a muppet? I say no, but you may just be able to survive and then tolerate some light ridicule from non-muppets.

I hear the voice of pride, presenting me, confidently walking toward some goal, handsome and purposeful. Pride, where the fuck where you when I needed you? hiding under the fucking sofa that’s where, when the chips were down the ghosts won the day.

Enlightenment is painfull. Compare yourself to the successful, fall short, make many bad decisions, over and over again, you have been born a muppet, I’m sorry, I know this is difficult to accept. But you have many years ahead of you if you can control the spread of your muppetry and hopefully it will not be passed on to your children, if you can find a woman who will marry a muppet, you will of course, if she is also a muppet, in which case your kids will almost certainly be muppets, which is a bitter inheritance.

It’s a dark road a muppet has to walk, dark thoughts broken only by the sound of slamming doors and burning bridges, the soundtrack of the past played on a scratched infinite record, called don’t let the light in. There is the light of course, but the life of the muppet is not secure, and so a future will look much like the past except it will be accompanied by loss of youth. Not for the first time, the muppet will curse the day his parents bought a terraced house, and envy the granny flat a fellow muppet enjoys only doors away. Perhaps to grow old there would not be a bad thing, as your yellow muppet fur looses its luster, you could almost pass for a fully formed grown up, but the muppetry would still be there in thought and deed not to be curtailed with the dying of the light. In a final act of defiance against this pitiless cycle, a muppet may fight back and write a muppet manifesto.

Muppet Manifesto.
Do not believe in yourself. Do not be yourself. Know yourself. Yourself is what got you here, washed up onto a beach the child of hundreds of bad decisions, suffering almost constantly. Your thought and deed and words are from another planet, another realm, where funny means different things, were common sense is a form of genius. Your judgment is that of a muppet, forgive yourself, this was flagged in primary school, and again in secondary, perhaps we could have stopped the bleeding at that point, but your muppet mold has hardened and water runs via the path of least resistance. Don’t be bitter either and when faced with a disappointed lover or employer, ignore pride, pride is fighting for the sake of fighting, simply say “I’m sorry, I am a muppet, I was born a muppet, and I will most likely die a muppet”. If your lover is a muppet and you can connect with your own code of muppetry and one of you can hold down a job then you may be able to survive. As for a boss, perhaps he is an equal opportunities employer and you can shame him into hiring at least one well-intentioned muppet. Or you could kill yourself but you should wait until your at least 45, depends, find out what age smart people kill themselves and do that.

How and when are you going to commit suicide?

When asked about all the horrors she experienced during the holocaust, an elderly Jewish survivor of a Nazi concentration camp simply said “hunger”.

Stripped of everything that elevated them above animals the Jews reverted to their base instincts, the strongest of which being self-preservation. The concentration camps of Poland, filled with defeated souls, tried desperately to live another day, and many doing most anything to be allowed to do so.

Survivors spoke of and an angel and demons phenomenon. When people put under such much stress either became angels, compassionate and caring, or demons those who lost all sense of morality in an effort to stay alive. I suspect you know people right now in these times of plenty who would fall into either camp. Some choose not to spend another day in such conditions and took matters into their own hands by simply walking over to the electrified fences and committing suicide. Such is the power of hope over reason, and our base instinct to stay alive, this was still a relatively rare occurrence.

People endured sleeping on wooden bunks in either freezing or boiling conditions, they risked death at every moment, they looked forward to being worked to death or to be gassed and yet they persisted. But all of these things were as nothing in comparison to hunger. Hunger, real hunger is something most people in the global west have never experienced, we take for granted a steady supply of food from breakfast to dinner, our only issue is what to eat not where to find it. One only has to skip breakfast and lunch to get a reminder of how the modern body reacts to hunger. Very soon, no conversation will take place again that doesn’t have the attainment of food at its center. You will experience a constant headache as your blood sugar drops, you will think only of food, as your body begins eating itself in a slow torture until you finally waste away and die. I for one would rather avoid that fate.

The internet has ensured that there is almost no news as important as the next news, and the noise is drowning out almost everything. People are largely oblivious to what is going on, millions of women watch the Kardashians, and I hate them for it. I hate the trivial vacuous nattering bimbos and their planet eating lifestyles. It is to anyone with a brain, however, just high empire. It has happened before, a culture so far removed from the realities of life that it loses all sense of decency. Food, this will be the leveler. Let’s see what happens when global food supply collapses. I hope the Kardashians starve to death or are kept alive as sex slaves to a mad max style overlord who has managed to make a go of it in post-collapse LA.

This will happen. Heres how. Watch the artic. The ice in the drink at the top of the world. We need the artic. There has never been a planet inhabited by humans without one. It regulates the weather of the entire globe. Global warming is most accurately felt at the poles, this is causing havoc with sea ice and ocean temperatures. We have lost over 70% of the sea ice since 1979, and at this rate, we can expect to have an ice free arctic in the summertime in the next 5 years. The president of Finland on a visit to the Whitehouse explained to Donal Trump the seriousness of this situation. Trump explained to him that he is in charge of looking after the interests of a small fabulously wealthy and corrupt clique in charge of the world’s most powerful military. And they have no interest in listening to anything that disrupts business as usual.

These same bastards have no doubt built bunkers under their vast mansions and will probably be around seen human extinction. The rest of us will see what happens when billions of humans are suddenly put under pressure for their food, water, and security. Those same people who wish Europe to welcome in all the poor refugees will be volunteering to man the machine gun turrets on Spanish barbed wire beaches. Watch 45 sub-Saharan men of fighting age jump out of a dingey and scatter and tell me how it makes you feel.

One one hand I would like to see how this plays out, and maybe I will be able to for a while until the power goes out, and then demons come out at night. The idea of trying to defend my loved ones against the biggest knackers on the block doesn’t appeal to me. I will monitor the situation closely but as of now, I’m thinking a large bottle of good whiskey and a deck of sleeping pills. Please write in with your preferred method of suicide when the collapse comes.

Why do nerds like Starwars?

I remember seeing Braveheart for the first time, I was 16, and I watched it in a cinema in Coolock. That is where my seat was, that is where my body was, but my mind and my soul were quickly somewhere else, and they stayed there for the full length of the film. I was captivated, the raw power of story put to image and sound, manipulated me, and caused me to feel what it wanted me to feel. The film ended, the collective consciousness of the audience returned to their bodies, and the lights went up. I remember noticing the absolute silence of the people as we shuffled the door and into the lobby. People returned to their cars and their lives slowly over the sticky lobby carpet, lost for words to describe how good that piece of movie making actually was. Like with all great art, it took up residence in my brain for many months afterward, and over the following years, I must have watched it a further 10 times. Although I saw some superb and probably superior films since Braveheart, it will always be, for me, the blueprint for a simple hero against all the odds story, expertly told.

Star Wars, I never got, the first ones when I was a kid, were good, they were fine, they were fun, but even back then I always remember the geeky kids, the ones who played with action figures rather then with footballs seemed to love it with a passion I never understood. I remember people buzzing about the new ones in the late 90s and then being disappointed, what I never got was adults who gave a fuck about Star Wars? it is a kids film that geeks think is cool.

Then came the 2015 installment, I really liked JJ Abrahms re booting of Star Trek, and fell for the marketing. I paid 10 euro and took my seat. This was everything that Braveheart was not. This was two hours watching Disney executives raping a 17-year-old waitress over a pinball machine. Their enlighted script writers covering the windows and doors and writing their modern take. Female lead, check, token black guy, check, get Carrie Fisher out of rehab, check, tell Harrison Ford his grandkids need the money, check.

These cunts will not rest until every last golden egg is wrenched from George Lucas’s 40-year-old goose. It was a sham, a phony, a trick, it was a shake down, it was awful. I walked out of the cinema, past 4 nerds, excitedly exclaiming how great they thought the movie was. If I had a flame thrower I would have happily emptied both tanks, but why? they had a good time.

I held on to a bit of anger about the whole thing, and realized a few things. Nerds have always pissed be off because far from being gently folk who hang around on the edges of the buzz, they are binary ruthless little cunts without ever noticing. And now they are taking over the world. Their latest installment is out for chrimbo. Any shred of cool that existed in 20th-century characters such as Han Solo or James Bond for that matter is now the plaything of the nerd, and he hasn’t got a fucking clue. From Bond to Star Wars we are treated to hollowed out, soulless corporate paint by numbers films. Can somebody please explain to me why people keep paying to see this shite? and can you actually blame Disney for making a balls of it, they literally could have shot Star Wars on an iPhone4 in the Phoenix Park, got the CRC drama soc to play all the roles and the nerds would still pay to see it! Spoiler alert Star Wars is crap.

Everyone's a winner!

Joe Canning, James McClean, Conor Murray, Katie Taylor, Jason Smyth, Michael McKillop, Katie George Dunlevy and Eve McCrystal.… Sorry, who are the last 4? They make up 30% of the nominees for the Irish sportsperson of the year 2017.

They are para-athletes. Which raises the question, in my mind at least, do they deserve inclusion with Olympic gold medalists, All Ireland winning hurlers and elite rugby players? These are awards for excellence, and I wish to take nothing away from their individual achievements but you simply cannot put them in the same category. There is quite literally no comparison. And no comparison should be drawn. Up until relatively recently, this would be obvious to all concerned. So what is with this rise in sentimentality? and does it distort some very basic home truths about life? Or am I out of step our new kinder inclusive nicer society.

Of course, I am not, I choose to call bullshit, In my view, the rush not to offend or exclude is diluting the very fabric and principal of achievement. But this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to our caring new society. The labor party in Ireland has long since absconded its duties to the average workers of this state, and instead pushed hard for easy wins like gay marriage, meanwhile supporting the privatization of our water supply. The virtue signaling extravaganza that followed the gay marriage referendum result was embarrassing, with politicians lining up for a photo in front of the rainbow flag. I voted yes, if the gays want to be miserable as well, then let them, they won’t follow the rules of marriage, they will both be off “Golfing with the lads” in no time, gimme a break. The key point here was this was an easy win, a quick policy change that will make everyone feel warm and fuzzy inside. Well done chaps! But here’s the thing, the vast majority of people in Ireland are not gay, and don’t rightly give a fuck if gays get married or not, and that was shown to be the case.

What we do care about is areas of this society where compassion is badly needed, and when I say compassion, I mean fairness. JFK famously said “Life is unfair” when being asked about issues surrounding the Vietnam war. And it’s true, life is not fair, decent people have to make it fair, as fair as it can be, with good governance, they must provide guidance, through laws and rights that speak and protect a healthy society, that is the basic idea anyway.

In America some have moved so far away from this ethos that they resent any form of income tax, they are, however, late to the party, the billion-dollar corporations dislike paying tax even more and move mountains to avoid paying any at all! The Irish government, needs the jobs, for sure, but if SME’s Ireland’s largest employers behaved like Google and Intel regarding tax they would be jailed. Sentimentality and fairness seem to extend to easy wins like gay rights and the para Olympics but not to the greater malaise, that has so far caused mindless revolt with Trump and Brexit.

Social justice the buzz word of the now, in the past, meant people marching for fair working conditions, housing, healthcare, the right to vote, maternity leave,.. the good stuff. Now with social media social justice seems obsessed the causes of minorities while doing little to affect change on the real issues affecting society.

The root causes of a rejection of the status quo in both Europe and the USA are casino capitalism and globalism. Our government and many others, seem uninterested in stopping its resurgence despite it being the cause for the horrific crash of 08. And we all remember how fairly the mess was dealt with.

But the voters are again distracted by feel-good nonsense, and the nice society rhetoric. And it is not just in this country, in the UK we have seen this over the top sentimentality increase in the past 20 years, with an almost fascist adherence to all things poppy in November, to minutes silence in half the matches in the season. People argue over rights of transsexuals to be gender neutral and you go, girl! support for Kaylyn Jenner. Meanwhile, disasters like Grenville tower exposes where the real need for social justice lies.

The reality is those with the power of this new caring world are just as uncaring as they have always been. But now in our new caring society, we are distracted with issues like gay rights, women’s football, and anti-racism campaigns. The politicians are just as trapped as we are in this system that has gradually disempowered most of its members. Trade unions now seem like a quaint idea for people in the private sector and now the working classes are treated to soul-destroying prospects in the form of Amazon’s work-houses, the gig-economy and zero hours contracts. And if you do want to get out of this rut via education they’ve just hiked the prices of that up as well.

The ongoing window dressing is wearing thin, what really counts in a society, is a level playing field to achieve and raise a family. The western governments move in the 90s to get women out to work has all but reduced most western families to half what they were a generation ago. The Irish government basks in the glow of their soundness with the gay marriage referendum, mean-while, these policies attack the very fabric of society, marriage, and peoples ability to bring up children. There is a recovery especially in Dublin, but wage stagnation is an issue despite increased costs of living especially rent. What is required is actual government policy to put some sort of fairness back into a market hugely slanted in favor of the landlord, so far they have tinkered on the edges, and this is not by accident.

For anyone who wants to see where this road leads just look at America, it leads to working poor, and the decimation of the middle class. People so demoralized they vote for a con-man. Pissed off Irish people with huge rents, high costs of living and low wages are tired of this bullshit. Yes its a not Africa, but we worked hard for generations to make it this way. Gerry Adams and his band of spoofers will be getting lots of new seats, and Fine Gael will only have themselves to blame. This is where virtue should come to the fore, but instead, we see it with easy sentimentality, in this case with the Sportsperson of the Year awards.

And I am sure it is not lost on para Olympians either, considering they are not mentally disabled. When their names are called out during the awards, and cheers rain down from people who have never heard of them, I suspect they may feel how patronizing this really is. How hollow, how phony. I am sure most people are proud of anyone who competes for their country, but to compare these people to the best we have is insulting. By doing this, you are treating them like special children.

We all know they don’t have any chance of winning, why? Because they are not elite athletes. Some have disabilities so bad, that there can’t be more than 10 people in the world in their event who take it seriously. Most para-sports are broken down into a huge number of subdivisions, due to the massive difference in disabilities and abilities of the athletes. So nominees aren’t even the best at their sport, they are 1 of maybe 20 para champions in that event. Is this a harsh observation?, no, life is not fair, some people have it worse than others. It is a shame that they can’t compete on a level playing field with our top athletes, but that is a mixture of bad luck and bad genetics.

I am in the same boat as they are. I would love to be a professional footballer, but I lost out in the genetic lottery. I don’t expect sympathy for this and I play on my own para soccer team. It is called the over 35s division 7, which is about all I am capable of.

This wave of bullshit began in 2012, when the British were hosting the Olympics and Paralympics. They went overboard with their coverage. BBC was chief culprits. Front page news every day in their sports section. RTE followed suit. And they felt the need to continue ever since. Now we are getting articles about a wheelchair tennis player ahead of stories about Roger Federer. How many people are reading these stories? 100s? Maybe his family and friends.

Let’s stop patting our selves on the back for our more enlightened society when the truth is we have many better issues we need to be nicer about, how about support for working families, protection for renters, not to mention carers of disabled people. Cut the bullshit and put your virtue into things that really make a difference to the majority of ordinary people. Fair enough?

Apocalypse soon

I went to a funeral the last week, It was sad, I was sad, a life was over. The world had ended for him.

There were many things that gave me pause for thought. Irish funerals are really good, second only, and sometimes even better than a wedding. A guilty thought but none-the-less the combination of family, friends, reflection, and booze makes for a charged and unforgettable experience.

The funeral service itself was dignified and emotional, and it was not lost on me how any human being, at any time in history has been fortunate to receive a funeral. How many millions of people just expired with no ceremony to mark their passing, people too caught up in appalling wars or famines to properly grieve their dead. He was 62 at the time of his death. Born in 1955, a baby boomer, he lived through the great expansion. This I suspect in not very much time at all will be looked at as a very good time arrive on planet earth. At the time of JFK’s assassination, there were just over 3 billion people on earth, the USA had a thriving middle class and affluence spread to Europe with lifestyles becoming the most comfortable ever experienced by humans on this planet.

We are I believe, in the final years of this great post-war epoch, if 1945 was the end of one world and the beginning of the next, then the 2020s will be the dawn of a new century which will bear little resemblance to the second half of the previous one.  They say centuries don’t end by calendars, just as the 19th century ended in 1914 with the great war, I believe the 20th century will end with a greater calamity. The signs are already there, the rise of nationalism in Europe and America is perhaps people becoming all too aware of resources after years of abundance. Make no mistake that inequality and the undermining of main-stream media is the primary reason that vast swathes of the British and American electorate pressed the nuclear buttons in recent elections.

Remember too that it is these countries more than any other, that defined the paradigm for the greatest standard of living on this planet for the past 70 years. It is easy to forget the abject poverty most of Earth’s inhabitants have spent, and are still spending their time in. We are however, the model, BLOC countries imagine their western lifestyles are almost here, but there is a large dose of the reality stick about to cancel that party. The simple truth is that as soon as the British started burning coal we were doomed. That was in 1750. As it stands, in the year 2017, we are on the cusp of changing the planet into something that humans will struggle to live on. To explain to people that 8 billion+ people will not be trucking away on a planet with no artic or coral reefs makes rational sense, but it is no more rational then telling a living being that they are going to die, that is sometime in the future and I’m alive now.

This is not a matter of if it’s a matter of when, and when will be defined by how this effects the citizens of the western hemisphere, our home. We congratulate ourselves on our techonology which brings us further and further away from reality. Climate change you say? we can solve that with technology the internet will save us. Yes the internet is amazing, but is it as important an invention as the electric light bulb? or the combustion engine? certainly not. It is at it’s core a tool of communication, placed upon an already developed system of inventions from electricity to fertilizers. At a time when our problems have never been more Global we have a platform to share and discuss them Globally. This, however, does not change the simple fact that this technology we can do with out, we cannot, however, do without energy, and food production both of which are warming the planet. In fact everything we do is warming the planet. All environmental movements that promote the virtues of windmills and solar panels should change their names to “Let’s keep this show on the road “. It’s simply not going to work, wishful thinking at best. At present scientists struggle to find ways to remove salt from water without using huge amounts of energy, so the idea promoted by some that we can geo-engineer the planet and take CO2 out of the air is ludicrous.

The question is if the planet is on the verge of an abrupt climate change, which many say it, and if this results in crop failure, dead oceans, and the collapse of civilization as we know it, then why do most people not know about this, for me it’s simple, explaining death to a living being is just beyond our cognition, and abrupt climate change is death.

Coldplay are deeply uncool

I saw Coldplay in the year 2000 in the Olympia Theatre in Dublin. They were young men like me, my contemporaries actually. I stood near the stage bathed in the glow of Chris Martin’s spot-light my mind switching between enjoying the gig and being really Jealous. Girls all around me, including the one I was with, where over come with status fever, and to a girl were imagining getting boned by Chris Martin. That was the day I decided to learn a guitar and start a band…only joking I did fuck all and spent the rest of the decade masturbating.

I enjoyed the follow-ups to Parachutes, Rush of blood and X&Y, they were the soundtrack of my 20s and still stand up in my opinion. Then came Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends – I bought the CD, imagine that ! and gave it one listen, it wasn’t a grower, not that I’ll ever know, I took it out of the player and frisbeed it into the bin. This was Nu Coldplay, their Fluro years.
Ask yourself this, has any band in the history of music ever tried to start a fashion and literally nobody followed it, nobody!

The bay city rollers had people wearing Tartan pants for fuck sake. But I digress, this Fluro fashion they and nobody else on this planet thinks is cool has lasted from 2008 up to the present day! and the vast majority of their songs have been shite aswell. What happened to the dressed in a black misery of Rush of blood to the head? has the ever been a stylist more in need of a sacking???

Chest of the week

In years to come people will site the forced demise of Page 3 in the Sun as the moment the rot really set in. The working man put upon yet again by liberal elites. The pressure was building and has led us all the way to Brexit and Trump. The regressives had there way, no more could I place my copy of the Sun on the table at work, opened wide on Page 3, and eat my sandwich lost in thought, scarcely noticing my come face appearing between bites. Yes there were women having lunch at the table too, but they were never offended if anything it motivated them to go harder to the gym after work. I will hence forth post a weekly, carefully chosen chest, that I deem to be in exquisite taste.

Nobles v Serfs 2017

Chivalry, or the chivalric code, to the modern mind summons images of gallant knights doing good deeds for the weak, treating women with respect and being kind to the poor.

Nothing could be further from the truth, the core tenant of Chivalry was a gentlemen’s agreement among the ruling nobles, that all their squabbles and beefs would be instantly put aside in the case of a peasants revolt. They lived in stone castles and were trained from an early age to fight with weapons. This served two purposes to defend their houses from other nobles and more importantly to keep the serfs in line. The serfs were basically everyone else, the vast majority of people in medieval Europe at the time. They were seen as little better than animals and lived under subjugation for centuries.

Tales of heroes standing up against bullies echo through the centuries in countless cultures, but the fact is most people never revolted , they simply lived trapped in a system designed to make sure they received as little of the pie as possible. The human beings capacity for self-preservation despite bitter injustice fair outweighs the courage of their convictions. The class system was absolute and Christianity took a firm hold in the hearts of those miserable serfs who looked forward to a better time in the after-life. The term gentle man, has taken on a literal meaning in recent years, but its origin is meant well-born, in other words for most of history if you were born to the wrong parents your life was already determined.

Then something extraordinary happened, the black death killed one-third of the population of Europe. The survivors found themselves in a much less populated countryside and labor shortages on the land were the result. This put the peasants, for the first time in a position where they could negotiate their wages with the ruling elites. This was probably the birth of capitalism for the masses in Europe. The Renaissance followed in the next centuries, then the industrial revolution, but perhaps the greatest achievement of Capitalism was that a person, could be born poor and die rich.

Make no mistake plenty of people of Europe lived mostly in poverty at the turn of the 20th century but as technology, commerce and GDPs rose, so did the living standards of the workers. A middle class was created by people who were under no illusions as to the importance of trade unions and regulations on big business.

John Maynard Keynes said: “Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone.”

Well people became complacent and by the 1990s, some argue the high water mark for western economies, the Clinton administration took a chainsaw to regulation on Americans banks and corporations, 10 years later the world economy crashed.

The western democracies instructed by their elite contributors did the Chivalrous thing and bailed out the banks. Anglo Irish bank was of systemic importance to the Irish people? gimme a break they did not even have one ATM machine. This was the curtain being pulled back on this democratic charade we are told is looking out for us.

The top 0.01% own the world. They buy the politicians and force them to do whatever suits the small few who control the world and fuck everyone else. They are all bought, and those who don’t go with the program(Bernie Sanders) have no chance of being elected.

They pour billions into controlling the media, nowhere was this this more apparent than in the Brexit and more tellingly in the UK general election. Jeremy Corben was painted as the communist nut case who would drag the UK back to stone age. Political commentators laughed up their sleeve at the notion of this man leading a resurgent labor party. Just like with Brexit they were dead wrong. There has been a shift to the left in the UK, and this, of course, is based on people feeling left behind, in a system rigged to make them work for a pittance, while large corporations do everything in their power not to pay tax. The fact that this bullshit is now so commonplace that some people argue well, it’s fair enough they create jobs! It is not fucking fair enough! I personally pay more tax relative to my income then Starbucks, Google, Apple and Microsoft combined, What the actual fuck! I am serf and these bastards live in stone castles. Yes they will not come and burn down my house if I complain but they will make sure all the local leaders are paid off to keep the status quo in place.

Influencers like Joe Rogan saying shit like “I like Bernie, but the math doesn’t add up”. What the fuck does Joe Rogan know about the math of running an economy? Did he sit down and crunch the numbers? His motivations are obvious and understandable. He is a guy who has done well out of the system and doesn’t fancy a return to high taxes on the rich. But you simply cannot keep pissing out of the tent and not expect people to react. In the USA the peasants did all they had the power left to do, spoil their votes for anyone who said anything remotely resembling change.

They got a clown, whose twin pillars of the policy include cutting their health care and lowering taxes on the rich. Make no mistake the American government is now controlled by the most cynical actors in its history. The money and the power have crystallized into an instrument of pure corruption. Sound dramatic? Just look at what their elected officials are up to right now, pushing through tax cuts on the rich that literally, nobody supports except the elites, while the Jewish lobby convinces Trump to break with years of diplomatic sensitivity and declare Jureslaum the capital of Isreal.
Who in the baseball cap white trash heartlands of the USA voted for this? These guys are merely a modern day version of Feudal lords in castles with vast armies at their disposal, but their methods of control are far more expansive.

Now that they have power, the world is a giant casino to them. Banks gamble on your future. They stick trillions of dollars on black and if they lose, no problem, the government will bail them out and you will pay back the debt. Nobody goes to jail and they start again. The government borrow trillions in IOUs, which is pretend money, that you can never pay back. But not to worry, your children and their children and their children can repay the debt later. All of this means that not only do the top 0.01%(the people really in charge) get off totally free, but they actually get richer off the back if their gamble goes horribly wrong. The middle class gets wiped out and the gap between rich and poor widens. The top 62 wealthiest people in the world now own half of the world’s wealth.

Because of our stupidity and inability to see what is in front of our eyes, we are quickly brainwashed into blaming other people for our problems. In 2008, we were told the banks and major financial institutions fucked us. We were shown how they did it. Pretty quickly we forgot about the banks. It was the immigrants, it is their fault, no, it is the government, they fucked us. No!, it was us, we fucked ourselves. You get the government you deserve. We see what the same parties are doing time and time again, all over the world, yet we avoid change.

Every can of coke they drink, every cinema ticket, every iphone that they buy, a % of that will filter up the the kids of the 0.01%. Every trillion dollar loan they print now goes straight into the pocket of the guys at the top. It is a massive con job, and most people are completely blind. Bitcoin can change all of this. If everyone was to buy a small portion, say 1/20th of a bitcoin, then pretty
quickly the value would become as much as 100 trillion dollars. Obviously a small % would still own the majority of the coins, but nothing like 62 people owning half the world. At this stage 1/20th of a bitcoin would be worth 270,000 dollars, which is enough to buy a house in most countries in the world. Right now 1/20th of a bitcoin is worth 750 dollars. If masses were to buy them, the value of 1/20th would quickly rise to 2000 dollars, so not everyone can own this amount of bitcoin. But what can happen, is a
temporary shift in wealth, away from the old white men and into the hands of younger men, more likely to spend their wealth, rather than sit on it. The world’s wealth would spread a lot further, economies would boom, so much spending for a prolonged period.

Governments could no longer print IOUs for our kids to pay back. We could reject the currencies of the world and work with new currencies. Banks would struggle and new financial institutions would form. Banking would be easy, people could own their own money. People survived long before the ability to print money out of thin air. Bitcoin doesn’t have inflation past 22 million coins. The government can’t manipulate them in any shape or form. They can try and discourage people from using them, but it really is our decision to use them and accept them as payment. Of course the sociopath will always win. He will find a new way to get back to the top and in 50 years there will be new versions of the old guy fucking everyone. But at least we will get a short respite. It could be beautiful, for a generation or two until climate change or A.I. wipe us all out.

Julius Porter

In Tom Wolfe’s seminal book the Bonfire of the Vanities a stockbroker, a self-proclaimed master of the universe makes a mistake and watches his life unravel as a result. The book explores the gradual destruction of the self, his career, and relationships both professional and personal implode, as things go from bad to worse. In one of the final chapters the author brilliantly captures the surreal nature of having ones personal collapse played out in public, as the story becomes fodder for the New York tabloids

A fall from grace story in the public eye. What must it feel like to be THAT publicly humiliated? for that humiliation to be speculated on by journalists, and in pub conversations, your deepest fears released as fame turns on you.

Al Porter the young comic from Tallaght, unlike Tom Wolfe’s protagonist, has tasted the benefits of fame, and is only now seeing it’s dark side as it shows him the door. The Weinstein wave hit Ireland a few weeks ago and the dominoes fell quickly when the Al Porter story broke, with Porter being stripped of his radio slot, his Panto and his TV3 gig.

That he had so much to loose at such an early age is not lost on the people who watched his rise over the past 4 years. His peers watched to see if this fast climbing hero had a feet of clay, he did, and they reminded him he did.

It must be remembered that Al porter is just 25 at his next birthday, the youngest comedian ever to play Vicar street has benefited hugely from Ireland’s village mentality. The same newspapers that now slate him, wrote of his genius at every turn billing him as the next Graham Norton or Micheal McIntyre this is despite the fact that his high profile was earned almost entirely in Ireland

Unlike Graham Norton and others such Aisling Bea, Dara O’Brien, Ed Byrne and Andrew Maxwell who built their careers in the UK, Porter came out of the Irish circuit. Des Bishop who arguably kick-started a viable stand-up scene in Dublin with the International Comedy Club, is one of a few homegrown comedians to make a good living from his Irish profile. He got his break on RTE at the turn of the century and the circuit has not produced an act as nationally successful since, this despite a relatively healthy comedy scene in Dublin. The circuit like many things in Ireland and other small countries, is riddled with politics, provincial attitudes and cronyism, the result political animals trotting out cliche ridden Irish centered sets with little or no original material that make little impact here or on the more cultured UK scene.

Then along comes Al Porter his stage craft already earned from years with the Panto he immediately causes a stir on the circuit and things happen very quickly. His act is familiar but none the less grabs the audiences attention, a smartly dressed flamboyant gay cabaret act harking back to the 60s with the wink and elbow sexual innuendo at its core. He is gay and he is from Tallaght, easily accessible material brilliantly performed.

He seems to graduate quickly from the drudgery of gigging for a pittance on a Wednesday night in Tullamore and is quickly entertaining crowds in Dublin’s Laugher lounge and the International Comedy Club. Does he write all his own gags? Probably not, does he steal a few? who cares? he’s funny, but people do care, other comic’s care, as he skips by them into the better paid gigs and the national spotlight.


Another disgruntled group are the people who just find his humor vulgar bordering on disgusting, and here we get to the nub of this issue. Louis CK famously joked about finding places in his house where he could masturbate, a joke? not any more….Al Porter a flamboyant gay man, a bit cheeky, but nice with it….not any more…both acts dance on the line of decency as the audiences are invited to laugh at the dirty jokes while holding fast to the knowledge that they are just jokes.

Porter riding a wave from his Irish profile managed to get a plum spot on live at the Apollo in London, the Irish papers at his back. The next Micheal McIntyre or Graham Norton was about to blow them all away in London. To this day I’m fairly sure they put canned laughter over the track, which in fairness may not just be for him. This was an incredible opportunity none the less, one that many of Porters comedy peers would take your hand off for.

He opened with an Eddie Izzard joke ….Is He? isn’t He? …and then the punch line altered instead of gay it’s from Dublin…this betrayed an incredible naivety, to open with a joke that’s not your own is one thing, but you’re in London now, it’s the big time and this audience barely know where Dublin is never mind what accent people from there have.

RTE in their wisdom deemed him ready to anchor the Christmas eve slot in 2015, Al Porter could barely disguise his amazement at his good fortune…singing songs like ” If my friends could see me now”…well they could, and they were not your friends, and they were waiting.

Comedy is subjective but in my view Porters material that night was completely unsuitable for Christmas eve family time, lewd jokes about anal sex made uncomfortable viewing for a mature audience expecting a variety show. RTE were inundated with complaints, their response? change the channel! those who objected are made to feel out of kilter with the modern world. Al Porter’s act is funny and he is to be indulged as RTE’s latest golden boy. The next day Brendan Grace spent the day on TV3 delivering a master class in how to entertain a broad audience at Christmas but with 3 decades on Porter, he had more than an edge.

 

Not to worry, back to the warmth of little old Ireland, the warm embrace of village life where its alot easier to become a household name. Ray Darcy decides to bore the arse of people in the afternoon instead and pretty soon a slot opens up for Al on Today FM. I listened to 5 mins once, he invited listeners to text in as to what kind of sausage sandwich they liked…140k a year, money for old rope. Then TV3 and blind date, Porter as I’ve always suspected is not a true stand up and is right at home in this format, he was excellent.

Then came Weinstein and the knives were sharped, were these men groped? yes I believe they were, is that right ? no, keep your hands to yourself…but there’s more to this, they were comics, journey men comics on the scene way before Al Porter, an act that quickly passed them by in the ultra-competitive world of Irish comedy.

In a circuit where acts as nauseously mediocre as Neil Delamare represent success, comics can realistically expect to have a chance to get on TV and make a few quid, they do the shit gigs, they complement the right people, they perfect their fake laughs in the mirror and hope that one day they will be the ones doing well. The festivals trot out the same tired old names to headline, often the only acts actually being paid, Tommy Tiernan, Jason Byrne etc, and now Al Porter gets the keys to the clubhouse, the flamboyant Panto man who robs jokes! fuck him he felt my balls, I wonder who else balls he felt?

The result a wonderful hatchet job. Well done Davey Reilly and Co, your now famous for being felt up by the panto queer from Tallaght. You put on your own Panto this year, Davey Reilly as Brutus stabbing Julius Porter around the stage …tut tut…..in fairness this is probably my favorite character assassination since Sinn Fein took apart that smug bastard Sean Gallagher in 2011 again we can thank RTE incompetence for that debacle.

When all is said and done, I hope Davey and the boys enjoy long and fruitful careers unmolested by flamboyant queers and I also sincerely hope Al Porter goes to his room does his crying, dusts himself off and rebuilds his life, he may not be the next Graham Norton but he’s a human being.

Larry Lowe